By Naomi Vargas, Lifestyle Writer
Is there such a thing as true love?
That is a question that to this day I don’t know the answer. I do however believe God, my kids, grandkids, and mom are my true loves. I also really love my job, a lot; although hectic and super busy, I sincerely love where I work and the people I work with.
As far back as I can remember, I always wanted a fairytale love, one with the little house, white picket fence, etc. Maybe because being raised by my grandmother, we watched a lot of ‘Little House on The Prairie,’ ‘Leave it to Beaver,’ etc. My grandfather would come and go, and not be home much, but my grandmother always kept it to herself; I just thought he was away working.
Boy was I wrong. A lady’s man is what my grandfather was. He never helped my grandmother with anything; she cleaned houses for us to make it from day to day. I never knew she was struggling, she never told me “No.” I was a well-dressed, spoiled child. Thinking back now, I feel ashamed of the things I use to ask of her, and never knowing the sacrifices she made for me.
My grandmother, “AMA,” as I called her, passed away June 19, 2021. There is not a day goes by that I don’t regret that day. I am positive she was my “TRUE LOVE!” Just to think that I will never feel that love she showered me with again is devastating. How proud she would be of me going back to school and how much I have accomplished in these past two years. She was the kindest soul–caring, selfless, giving, and strong; I can only wish to be half the woman she was. She left big shoes to fill, and I hope to one day live up to her legacy.
I have gone through so many relationships and have been left depleted and broken with every single one. I finally decided that I must come to terms to the fact that the whole fairytale is not in my cards and move on. Maybe my true love is myself–I decided halfway through this year I am going to focus on becoming the best version of me I can and forget the whole prince charming dream I built up in my mind.
Blessed are the ones that have their happily ever after.
It exists I have seen many of my friends with their one and only. I am happy for the ones that get to feel the warmth of a sincere heart. A noble love that doesn’t leave you bitter and broken. I am starting to sound like a crybaby–don’t get me wrong; some of the gentlemen (if you can call them that) have been so-so, but for the most part, they are extremely broken themselves and I cannot fix them. As much as I have truly wanted to be the ones that they could say was their true love, they end up believing I am some sort of demon. I think because I love hard and believe that in a relationship you should be a priority in your person’s life. I have not been this and therefore I get extremely upset and tend to fight because of it.
I think social media is a great deal of why relationships no longer work.
There is too much indecency, cheating, and nothing is private anymore. My husband and I, for example, were recently remarried, and we both have Facebook accounts (He never did before, but now he does, full of millions of females from all over the world). I tell him constantly how much this bothers me, but he is not willing to sacrifice and delete it or even add me for that matter. To me, this is cheating and he says I am being toxic. I turn a blind eye and just try to ignore it, but this makes me even more insecure as person and I feel less like a wife and more like a roommate with a man. If I start distancing myself, one day there will be no more love. I don’t want that as I have three failed marriages and one with my current husband. We decided to give ourselves another chance, but I don’t know if it’s working out or not or if I am just finally tired. Tired of all the attempts to love and be loved and failing time and time again.
My question: what is love?
To me it is sacrifice, patience, kindness, gentleness, understanding, holding your person up when they can’t hold themselves. I believe that we all love differently due to the love or lack of love we were shown, and I believe my husband can’t love me to my standards because he was raised by a very uncaring man and a stepmother that beat him every chance she got. I guess that is why I must remember that we weren’t all raised by an amazing “AMA!”